The Genius of Spike Milligan

BLOODNOK: Ohohohohohohoh! Ohohohohohoh! Ohohohohoh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohoh!

𝘍𝘟: 𝘊𝘖𝘙𝘒 𝘗𝘖𝘗𝘗𝘐𝘕𝘎.

BLOODNOK: Oh, that's better! Now...

𝘎𝘙𝘈𝘔𝘚: 𝘌𝘟𝘛𝘌𝘕𝘋𝘌𝘋 𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘖𝘍 𝘗𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘎.

BLOODNOK: (DRINKING SOUNDS)

ABDUL: Major! Major Bloodnok, sir! The Colonel is coming. Tottenham three, Arsenal two. Snow on high ground.

BLOODNOK: Thank you, thank you. The Colonel? Oh! Chain the brandy to the wall. I… I know his sort.

CHINSTRAP: A glass of port? I don't mind if I do. (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) Thank you.

BLOODNOK: By the great leather puttees of Gemard R. Goldstein! Colonel Chinstrap, it's you, sir!

CHINSTRAP: Yes, sir. Colonel Chinstrap is always me.

BLOODNOK: What a fortunate co-incidence for you both.

CHINSTRAP: Well, if you insist Dennis, just a chotta-peg.

BLOODNOK: Yes, yes, yes.

𝘎𝘙𝘈𝘔𝘚: 𝘗𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘎.

BLOODNOK: Enough?

CHINSTRAP: Just a spot more.

BLOODNOK: Yes, yes.

𝘎𝘙𝘈𝘔𝘚: 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘗𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘎.

BLOODNOK: Cheers.

CHINSTRAP: Cheers.

𝘍𝘟: 𝘎𝘓𝘈𝘚𝘚𝘌𝘚 𝘊𝘓𝘐𝘕𝘒. 𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘖𝘍 𝘋𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘒𝘐𝘕𝘎

BLOODNOK: Have another?

CHINSTRAP: Ah, just a small one, please.

BLOODNOK: Yes.

𝘎𝘙𝘈𝘔𝘚: 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘗𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘎.

BLOODNOK: Cheers.

CHINSTRAP: Cheers.

𝘍𝘟: 𝘎𝘓𝘈𝘚𝘚𝘌𝘚 𝘊𝘓𝘐𝘕𝘒. 𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘖𝘍 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘋𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘒𝘐𝘕𝘎

BLOODNOK: Spot more?

CHINSTRAP: Err, no, no. I think it's about time you had one.

BLOODNOK: Yes, yes, yes, oh, yes, I will, then.

𝘎𝘙𝘈𝘔𝘚: 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘗𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘎. (𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘖𝘍 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘋𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘒𝘐𝘕𝘎)

BLOODNOK: Oh! Does you good, you know, doesn't it?

CHINSTRAP: I say, Dennis?

BLOODNOK: Yes, yes?

CHINSTRAP: Anything happen during the night?

BLOODNOK: In the night?

CHINSTRAP: Yes.

BLOODNOK: Oh, the night, yes.

CHINSTRAP: Yes, in the night.

BLOODNOK: Well, Humphrey, the fort was attacked by fifteen thousand tribesmen, but they were driven off by a frenzied shrieking figure waving a whiskey bottle.

CHINSTRAP: Good heavens. Who was it?

BLOODNOK: You, sir!

CHINSTRAP: Are you sure, Dennis?

BLOODNOK: Am I sure?!

CHINSTRAP: Yes.

BLOODNOK: Of course I'm sure.

CHINSTRAP: Er… thank you.

BLOODNOK: You weren't the only one in that night-shirt, you know! Ohhh, it was hell in there! Well...

𝘎𝘙𝘈𝘔𝘚: 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘖𝘍 𝘗𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘎

BLOODNOK: Bottoms up!

CHINSTRAP: Cheers.

(𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘖𝘍 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘋𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘒𝘐𝘕𝘎)

BLOODNOK: Oh! Oh, ohhhh!

𝘍𝘟: 𝘎𝘓𝘈𝘚𝘚𝘌𝘚 𝘊𝘓𝘐𝘕𝘒.

CHINSTRAP: I have a toast.

BLOODNOK: Yes?

CHINSTRAP: Here's to the old country, sir!

BLOODNOK: What… what old country?

CHINSTRAP: Any old country.

BLOODNOK: Yes!

CHINSTRAP: Cheers!

BLOODNOK: Cheers.

(𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘖𝘍 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘋𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘒𝘐𝘕𝘎)

BLOODNOK: Well now, Colonel, I suppose you're wondering why you sent for me.

CHINSTRAP: Yes, I... Just a minute, just a minute, my boy.

BLOODNOK: What? What?

CHINSTRAP: (OFF) Quiet out there! (NORMAL) Blasted goldfish!!

BLOODNOK: They should wear slippers, you know.

CHINSTRAP: Well, if you insist, just a little...

BLOODNOK: Yes.

𝘍𝘟: 𝘋𝘖𝘖𝘙 𝘖𝘗𝘌𝘕𝘐𝘕𝘎.

ECCLES: Here! What's going on here?

BLOODNOK: Nothing.

ECCLES: I'll clear off, then.

𝘍𝘟: 𝘋𝘖𝘖𝘙 𝘊𝘓𝘖𝘚𝘌𝘚.

𝘎𝘙𝘈𝘔𝘚: 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘍𝘜𝘙𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘖𝘍 𝘗𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘐𝘕𝘎. 𝘔𝘐𝘟 𝘐𝘕 𝘋𝘐𝘚𝘛𝘈𝘕𝘛 𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘋𝘚 𝘖𝘍 𝘎𝘜𝘕𝘍𝘐𝘙𝘌

BLOODNOK: Look, the… the relief column's arrived!

CHINSTRAP: Send her in.