Shouting in the Gale

I'm an unusual person. I've known it all my life. I don't think I have ever quite fit into the kind of 'slots' that life has offered me. I've tried hard. I truly have. But there was always a ghostly sense of being out-of-sorts, even at the very best of times. Yes, there were some excellent times; I'm not about to start making a list of woe here. Because it would not be an accurate reflection of how things have been. Of course, it would be an easy sop to sentiment, but that's not what this post is about.

I'm a teacher in Adult, Further and Higher Education. It's a role I've had since about 1984 and professionally (i.e., trained and qualified) by 1986. That's 40 years as per the time of writing, a period that seems to have sped by as if it hardly existed at all. I'm a peculiarity as a teacher, because all I wanted to do was actually teach, that is, not ascend through the ranks of power via a college desk job. What's a teacher to do if s/he doesn't want to give-up-the-chalk? There are few roles available that don't mean being more manager than facilitator.

So I stuck to what I liked.

I made thousands of friends; all my students mean something to me, no matter the outcome of their studying. It mattered that I was able to help them make their own decisions and set their own life courses. How they did that was less important than THAT they did it in their own way. I pride myself in having helped, even if only in a barely perceptible manner. Sometimes it's the relationships you have that truly count.

I'm an academic too, but not a conventional one. I'm not associated or allied with any distinct institution. Do universities ignore me? Yes, mostly. I consider that they either want things I cannot give or don't want what I can offer. That doesn't mean I'm not inventive or creative or innovative (all the 'ives'!). I'm all those things. Even a basic perusal of this Blog will show what my capabilities are, and these are just the tip of my iceberg of enthusiasms. It's just that I'm not the person who fits the traditional academic model. I'm like Wittgenstein, who had a distinct aversion to the 'top table' culture he encountered at Cambridge.

I used to think my interests would narrow and specialise as I grew older. The opposite was the case, primarily (I suppose?) because successful learning led to even more successful learning. My late partner used to say I had a "mind like a sponge", soaking up everything that came my way. It's only lately I've started to believe her, because throughout my entire life I have always felt inadequate to the demands imposed on me by others. It was only when I was free to investigate my horizons in my own way that the capability became obvious.

But I often feel alone. I often feel unrecognised and unneeded.

I sometimes feel like a still small voice shouting as loudly as she can into the howling gale. Is there anybody out there? Can anyone hear me? Is there anyone home? The silence is deafening. The feeling of being invisible is occasionally profound. But I keep on thinking, learning, producing...

Why? Because it is what I MUST do. It's why I'm here. It's what makes me feel alive.

BGMcD 6/8/2026